Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Rebirth of an Activist

I did alright on my ASL video. Much better than I expected. I'm confident I will get an A in that class. However, I really have to stop forgetting my homework at home! Lol.

The other two classes I'm pretty confident in, although for the Diversity class I have to watch my grades. I gave my presentation, but we were supposed to keep it inside of 10 minutes, and I could have spent at least 20. I can't imagine what I could have cut out of it, since I feel it was all important. Still, the result was that I got cut off a bit over halfway through. That was frustrating. The professor was very generous in the grade she did give me, but I still need to be careful. The Social Psychology class is a breeze as long as I don't fall behind in the reading.

Since I have a 4.0 GPA so far, I was inducted into Phi Theta Kappa this past month. I'm very excited about that since I desperately need the scholarships. The IRS has still not refunded my tax returns, the slugs; so I'm going to the Financial Aid office tomorrow to see if I can amend my loan acceptance and get part of the unsubsidized loan. TANF comes nowhere close to covering our monthly costs, even with Work Study added in. And I want to be financially independent of my parents even if I still have to live with them. I knew before we moved in that living here would inevitably bring out how deeply and intensely I disagree with virtually everything my mother believes, and if I did not have children I would have never, ever moved in under any circumstances. Of course, if I did not have children, I could have lived with a friend or roommate and this would not be an issue. Coming from parents who were convinced education would turn their offspring into communists, I know it's only a matter of time before my mom decides that she is going against God's will by helping me to attend this institution that only confirms everything I already knew or suspected. I need to be sure I don't owe them money when that happens. Yet I can't seem to bite my tongue enough when she starts in with her comments. Everything she believes is warped, whether about child rearing, God, or America. I'm so, so sick of pretending that I might partially agree with any of it.

This past weekend the neighbor brought home a car that had belonged to his 98-year-old father and offered it to us for $600. My parents very generously loaned me the money, and now I have a reliable vehicle that gets twice the gas mileage the Jeep did! I'm so thrilled. I want to pay them back ASAP, and I need to get all of the belts checked as well since it's an old car that was driven only 40,000 miles in the past ten years. I can't express how happy I am for this miracle.

Today, when I was getting ready to leave, the Princess (who turned 2 years old last month) was again giving my mom a bad attitude like she does everyone these days. I told her no, she can't be rude, stop being rude, like I usually do. And my mom made some comment to the effect that she has ignored this behavior so far, but will not any longer. I wanted so badly to say, "Is that a threat?" And I wish I had. I guess this is the end of leaving the baby with Grandma when she's sick. From now on I'll be calling out of class or Work Study if she has to stay home. Ignoring it is exactly what my mom ought to do. How immature and insecure do you have to be to feel threatened by a toddler's attitude?! Seriously! She added that there is "a happiness to be found in knowing what the boundaries are." I guess my mom is incapable of comprehending boundaries that aren't established with physical assault. Not to mention that I don't believe in establishing "boundaries" for how a child is allowed to LOOK!!!! They need guidelines and example, and of course being glared at in return is teaching the baby that it is normal to glower at people if you aren't getting your way. I couldn't keep quiet on that one and told her that somehow, I had failed to experience any of that imagined happiness. Her answer was that I must not understand what she was talking about. Yeah, sure. I understand that you've developed a personal vendetta against my child.

I feel very torn these days. This class is awakening my inner activist. The only activism I was exposed to growing up was out of sync with my beliefs and observations, so I have gone through a long period of despising activism. Finding groups like the Enough Abuse Campaign and Books, Not Bars has sparked something inside me that brings back memories of standing outside the polls with picket signs. I'm itching to get out on the streets and start raising awareness, and that makes it increasingly difficult to keep quiet around my family. My rising passion about certain causes exacerbates the long-standing feeling that I have to be someone else at home. I'm getting too old to play pretend any more. And I expect it will only get worse until something breaks. I just wish I could come up with a way to break it gently.

The college just initiated a Social Work program to start in the spring, and I switched my major again. I'm hoping to transfer with full scholarships, if possible, to one of two four-year colleges in the area who offer Bachelor's and Master's in Social Work. I will have to go off of TANF when I leave here at the end of two years, and maybe I can find a way to work part time and still go to school full time if I don't have to meet 20 hours a week of work requirements. For the difference I will have to use student loans, which won't be so bad if I have full scholarships for tuition. Although I'm still technically on the wait list for housing assistance, I don't expect that to happen until long after I have ceased to need it. With the current projection, I'll have my Bachelor's degree by then. In the meantime, not having a car payment is a huge help.

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on the 4.0, the induction and the car! As for the stuff that's not so great, I'm sure you'll figure it all out. As Dory would say, just keep swimming.