Cats, Dating, and Teenagers

Cat Update: Kanga is doing much better. She seems to have stopped peeing on the carpets as of about 2.5 months ago; I put the litterboxes in different places and she apparently likes them where they are, and I also learned she is suffering from tooth resorption :( poor baby, so she will be having dental surgery soon.  

Soooo... I have a boyfriend. It feels weird to call him a boyfriend, since he's certainly not a "boy," but that's the social term so we'll stick to that. I've used eHarmony and a couple of dating apps and gone out on a few dates over the past 18 months, but I was pretty much convinced that I would never find a man who met simultaneously my criteria for someone I'd introduce to the kids AND my criteria for sexually attractive. Because there are some conflicts there. I like sexually aggressive men, but not disrespectful men, and not just simply aggressive overall. I need a man who will take the lead in intimacy, since no matter how much I tell myself that the psychotic nonsense I was raised with is BS, it was beaten into me often and early and it still affects my behavior strongly. But I don't want a man who thinks he's in charge of everything I do. I'm a grown woman who has been looking after myself a long dang time; I don't need a daddy or a babysitter. Just a grown man who likes to own me in bed and knows how to do it without being a bully. 

I wasn't sure such a man actually existed, but he found me! On Plenty of Fish, no less, although I told my parents and the kids we met through a Meetup group. Right about the time he messaged me, I had joined several local Meetups with the idea that since dating wasn't working out, I might as well work on my social life in general. And some of them were great, but I haven't done much with them because of meeting Awesome Guy. When he first contacted me, I was all "No, sorry, you live too far away." Our houses are about 40 minutes apart without heavy traffic - and heavy traffic is common. I'd been hoping to meet someone local I could get to know on lunch breaks without making the kids suspicious. But he said I should give him a chance, and I'm SO glad I did!! We're on the same wavelength with so many important things, both in and out of the bedroom. 

After a couple of months I decided to broach the subject to the boys (Princess is too young to be overly concerned one way or the other). 

Whiz Kid is 13 now and he doesn't need Mom (hahaha). He basically said "Whatever, it's your life, I don't see what that has to do with me." Lol okay buddy, you're not THAT independent yet! Yes, this affects you. But thanks for not freaking out.

Little Bear was a completely different story. I held off longer bringing it up with him, due to the emotional turmoil he'd been dealing with after our March visit to their dad. When he seemed to be on the upswing again, I mentioned to him on the way to his weekly counselor visit (seemed like the best time to do it) that I might start dating someone. He lost it. The protective, sweet boy who worries way too much about me suddenly turned into an angry, tyrannical little man and went off about HIS family and HIS brother and sister and HIS mom and OUR apartment and how we didn't need ANYONE else coming along and messing everything up and thinking they could just be part of our family and I was absolutely NOT allowed to date! EVER!! Oh and I was totally CHEATING on Papa! 

What was supposed to have been a conversation turned into a yelling match instantly so it didn't last long. We were silent the rest of the way to his appointment and it was a rather emotional one. He talked about his fears that having his dad leave prison and not come to live with us would feel like he was still in prison, and another man in my life would be jealous and try to keep them from visiting their dad (we didn't get into the many reasons why visiting their dad might not be safe anyway, that's a different discussion), and his confusion as to why I would need anyone else since we seem to be doing just fine from his point of view.

My poor Little Bear. I had no idea he was so committed to the view that his dad and I were still a team somehow. 

The next two weeks were a bit rough. I didn't say anything else directly about Awesome Guy, but I did let them know when I was going on a date. Little Bear insisted that he had a right to know; not sure I agree, but it was a request demand I was willing to accommodate. Whiz Kid couldn't care less, and the Princess just said it was weird and wanted to know how I could have two boyfriends?! Which led to a brief and painful explanation of how their dad isn't my "boyfriend" anymore and that's what divorced means. She seemed a little confused and has been talking more about her dad since, and is seeing Little Bear's counselor for a few appointments.

Meanwhile, Little Bear had expressed an interest in woodcarving a few months back, and I found out there was a festival coming up this past weekend that featured woodcarving demonstrations. It wasn't far from Awesome Guy's house, so we went to the festival and on the way back, I told them we were stopping at his place to say hello. I figured if Little Bear didn't want to get out of the car, that would be okay, but I wasn't comfortable introducing the other two without him around, and this isn't a relationship that's going away any time soon. It's here to stay, and postponing things won't change the ultimate outcome. 

I expected him to be the one who flipped out, but it was Whiz Kid who started griping about all HIS time that I was wasting on a stupid festival and now making him see someone he didn't give a crap about and I should just leave him out of it. Of course this is at least a weekly conversation with him these days, nothing new. He resents everything we do that takes him away from his computer screen. Too bad. I wasn't particularly sympathetic to his cause, and when he vowed to stay in the car and be angry and miserable, I was like "That's fine. Awesome Guy deals with angry, miserable kids all day." They both perked up at that ans wanted to know what that meant, so I explained that he's a child and adolescent counselor. Little Bear's eyes were wide open and he said, "Wow that's actually very interesting!" They both seemed more curious after that. When we arrived they all got out of the car, and of course when he opened the door the Princess marched right in and made herself at home lol. She hopped up on the couch and was all excited about the butterfly pillow and the other pillow that was a perfect size that she always wanted and the big TV and could she watch Spongebob please? And swing on the swing out front? And how did he get such a cozy couch that is so much better than our couch? ROFL she makes a great icebreaker!!

Whiz Kid stomped in and growled a few grumpy answers including that he wanted to be home playing his video games. So Awesome Guy asked him what he plays, and he also plays that game, and then his roommate started talking to Whiz Kid about video games, and about making money, and Awesome Guy told him he can mow their lawn to earn some money because none of the other guys in the house want to do it, so Whiz Kid was pretty stoked about that.

Little Bear was quiet and reserved, but he sat down in the recliner and wrapped up in the blanket from the back of the couch and seemed really happy to be in a comfortable chair, something we don't really have at our place. After we chatted a little and then went outside to push the Princess on the swing, he came out and sat on the swing too. Awesome Guy offered to take us for ice cream but Whiz Kid complained about his day being wasted lol, and Little Bear was mad about that but I promised him we'd go out for ice cream another time soon. I know how good Whiz Kid is at turning fun times into misery, and I didn't want him ruining their first impression. Plus we now have a good excuse to see Awesome Guy again soon. 

It really couldn't have gone better, in the end. I'm so, so happy!!!

Update on the kids' father

It's been a while since I mentioned my ex. We've visited him several times this past year, which the kids have enjoyed. He looks profoundly unhealthy and still tries to tell his imaginary stories. This coming July is the earliest he'd be eligible for parole, and I have been hoping that he would stay on his medication and off the narcotics long enough to have at least a few months of normal interaction with them.

Yesterday, I lost that hope.

The last weekend in December, he called me on a Friday evening and told me that I needed to keep the Princess out of school for a few more days when the winter break ended. He told a wild story about some other inmate from a previous prison having stolen her picture from him, and how he'd put the guy in the infirmary for weeks needing reconstructive facial surgery, and now the guy was out and had sent him a letter telling him that she would be disappearing from school one of these days.

I suspected he was mostly or all inventing this, but it was far too serious a threat to blow off. My greatest concern wasn't for the Princess, who gets dropped off and picked up at school by me, where all the staff know me and our routine well, after having two previous kids go through. A stranger showing up unannounced to take her home would definitely set off red flags and would be against policy anyway. I was more concerned about the boys, who ride the buses and get home before I do. So I talked to my parents, who promised to be home at dropoff time every afternoon for the coming week and let the boys in downstairs through their house. I planned to give the school a heads-up, and my Dad said I should file a police report.

When my ex called the next evening "to check on us," I tried to get some more information about this mysterious person. Then I told him I was going to file a police report. He immediately became irritated and said, "I'm just asking you to keep our daughter safe while I deal with this! This guy's a dead man, he's never gonna know what happened..." blah blah blah. I knew then for sure that he was lying, but without proof I couldn't afford to operate on that assumption.

The next morning (Sunday) he called to say that everything was fine, he'd "taken care of it," we had nothing to worry about.

Note here: I wrote up to this point back in January, never finished it, and am just now returning to it. A lot has happened since then, but that will fill another post. Suffice it to say that in the end, Little Bear ended up with some pretty severe anxiety and increased depression over the whole thing; and after a trip in March to see their dad again, where he confronted his dad about lying and scaring everyone (which actually resulted in a real apology!!), he had a bit of a breakdown when he realized that I still wasn't getting back together with their dad no matter what. This led to spending a day at the pediatric hospital talking to the crisis team, and another day doing an intake at the child guidance center to be set up with a psychiatrist. They still haven't called me and it's been a month. Ugh. However, he is doing much better. Don't worry, I'm still going to follow up with them and he still sees his regular counselor weekly.

And then there's the other stuff... (to be continued)

What to do for Kanga?

Kanga has been peeing outside of the litter box for months. A lot. As in, destroyed a carpet and will soon destroy another if we can't solve this. I've tried every solution I could find on the internet, from Jackson Galaxy, and my own imagination. I've been convinced it's an anxiety issue and most of my focus has been on trying to solve it that way.

The biggest problem is that her special needs put the nix on most of the proven solutions, such as giving her places to climb up out of the way. She can climb up, but not down, which is a major safety concern and means that for her, part of "catifying" means making sure she CAN'T get up higher than a couple of feet anywhere. Add to that the fact that the many limitations of our cramped apartment are frustrating even for the humans, and we have a bit of a nightmare.

Sadly, I'm afraid that the true solutions may be ones I simply can't provide, such as a calmer and more spacious environment. I tried the "No Mark" pheromone spray; she peed on the floor where I sprayed it 3 times in the next 18 hours, a big jump from the usual 4-5 times a week (that I know of). I took her to the low-cost vet clinic at the shelter where we adopted her and Smidge, for blood work to see if she has kidney problems. (It would have been roughly 3 times the cost at our regular vet.) She doesn't, but they think she might have parasites, which could explain her occasional diarrhea and recent poor appetite. Not the peeing on carpets, though. The shelter vet seemed to think it was really a mobility issue, but we've already gone through several litter types until we found the current one which she likes, and several pan styles as well, and currently we're using those under-bed storage containers to give her more room for scooting around. She's perfectly content using them - about 75% of the time. UGH!

The shelter seems in a hurry to take her back, which frustrates me. I was hoping they'd at least try putting her on some anxiety medication to see if that helped. They said they weren't ruling out the possibility, but would prefer to re-home the cats. Perhaps it is selfish of me to try to keep them, but I am very resistant to letting them return to the shelter. It was a terrible environment for Kanga with her difficulties. They did suggest trying a pheromone diffuser (do you know how dang expensive all that stuff is?!), and I put one in the bedroom where they have most of their squabbles. Now Kanga has decided to pee on that floor too. AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!! Of course, it does seem to help with the squabbling as advertised. But at that cost it isn't worth it. Maybe the vet is right about the mobility issue, and she prefers to pee where she feels most relaxed. *headdesk* They said something about "observing her behavior at the shelter to see if the problem persists." Of course she will use the litter box at the shelter, because she can't even leave the dang cage!!! She'll never be more than 12 inches from it!! What a stupid idea.

Anyway, yet again today I started searching ideas for a shallower litter box. The wide boxes we're using are about 6" high, which isn't really shallow enough for Kanga; but cutting into them creates a different problem because of the way she has to hitch herself over the side. I foresee lots of scraped elbows with cut plastic edges. I considered putting foam tube insulation on cut edges, but she will scratch at that and possibly eat the shreddings; she samples some strange things. Until now I really haven't found anything for cats with serious mobility challenges. But today I found this post from Fundamentally Feline. And that led me to search for litterboxes for senior cats. Viola!

It costs a mere $40 on Amazon. (sarcasm) It's actually a puppy training box, but hey, whatever works! I'm saving up for it - and searching Craigslist. Maybe by tax return time I'll be able to spare another $40. The shelter vet also suggested putting carpet in the bottom of the litter box, which would be a great idea if I was rich and could afford to throw out a cheap carpet tile EVERY OTHER DAY!!!

I'm pretty annoyed with the shelter, to be honest. I feel like they weren't up front with me in the beginning about a problem they had every reason to know existed. True, she didn't start peeing on the carpets right away. But she did start within just a few weeks, and she continued the habit in a new room when we took the carpet out of the old room. I have a hard time believing this is something entirely new. And it makes me even more concerned about giving her back, because if they aren't honest with the new adopters, these kitties might get stuck in a cycle of being adopted and returned again and again. I don't want that. They're 3 years old and lived in one shelter until 11 months, then in another until they were adopted at 16 months, then were returned again after a year. I'm seeing the start of a bad cycle here.

I am going to put carpet tiles on top of the real carpet all around the litter box. Maybe that will help to prevent the good carpet getting ruined, even if it doesn't solve the underlying problem. Meanwhile, I just couldn't resist sharing this photo from yesterday of both cats sitting with me. First time ever. :D