About That Bag...

There's a grouchy old man at our church whom we often end up sitting in front of. He seems to particularly dislike children, and spends most of the service grumbling to his wife about everything he can see them doing that he disapproves of. He wears a permanent scowl and is a generally unpleasant human being. Until today, I have tuned him out. His opinion matters about as much to me as that of a neighborhood cat. I suspect, because our church is highly ethnic, that in the past most of the families sat on the left side of the church as is traditional in Russian culture, and he did not have to be bothered with their fidgeting and complaining. Now our church is becoming crowded and the children have spilled over into the right side as well. Too bad for him. He should be happy that the congregation is growing.

This morning he was griping and complaining as usual, especially after another family arrived with their toddlers to sit near us. I ignored him until I heard him say rather loudly, directed at the Princess: "And this one, here, someone should tie her up and put her in a bag."

I managed to refrain from breaking his nose on the spot. I've learned that simmering rage gets the job done better than boiling fury, so I try not to react quickly when I get truly angry. But he has not heard the last of this. I will be handing him a note next week. I suspect he will take it up with our priest, and he's welcome to do so. I'm quite sure he won't win that argument. And as further evidence of my self control, I will not include with the note a gift-boxed body bag with his name on it. But I would really, really like to.

Learning Curve

So yesterday we went to visit the ex-dad again. He's been sounding wasted on the phone lately, and telling stories (lies), and not wanting to talk to the kids as much but wanting to tell me all kinds of stuff I don't care about. I was increasingly depressed last week as the time came closer to visit. Telling myself I'm doing this for the kids just doesn't cut it any more. It's expensive to visit, it's hard on me to spend that much time in the car with the kids alone (particularly with the Princess' recent penchant for loud, incessant whining - ugh!), and I really don't want to see him. I just don't.

But the kids do, of course. So we went anyway. I planned to spend the night with a friend on the way and break up the trip, but I took the wrong extension of the turnpike and wound up having to just head on over from where I ended up. Depression always interferes with my cognitive abilities. So we paid for a motel room and headed over to the prison early. Turns out I forgot the kids' IDs as well. I nearly had a panic attack, but they made a one-time exception for us with the understanding that they will never do it again.

He looks awful. He also told me right away that he's getting Vicodin from another inmate; why he told me, I have no idea. I didn't ask. I can't tell if he's just trying to rub my face in it, bragging that prison can't keep him clean, or if he thinks in some irrational way that I'm going to approve of it. Or maybe he just wanted to tell somebody and didn't have anyone else to tell. But something snapped inside me, silently. I went from wishing he could be a better person to just wishing he would die already. I hate him. I'm sick of seeing him, sick of hearing his voice, sick of the way his very existence sucks the life out of me.

He had a photo voucher and wanted a family portrait taken. He never wanted one before, but he does now. He wanted me in it. I wish I'd said no, but I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids. That was the wrong decision. I want to spit on that picture, shred it, burn it, stomp the ashes into the dirt. We are not a family. We never were. I don't even recognize him any more, visually or psychologically. He neither looks nor acts like the same person. Who is this creepy junkie, and why am I visiting him?  

The kids didn't know any of this, but after talking to one of my co-workers today who had some good advice, I decided I should tell the boys that he isn't staying clean. They have so much hope riding on his getting well in prison, and it isn't going to happen. So I did. I feel a bit better now, and they took it much better than I expected, but I'm not sure what goes on in their minds that they don't say. Still, it's better for them to know now than to have their hopes build up and then collapse when he gets out.

From now on, I refuse to stress about writing to him, getting photos to him, talking to him. He can talk to the kids. I don't want to talk to him. I'm not spending money and time that I can't afford on photo books. I'm not worrying about keeping him updated on every little thing in their lives; they can do that. It's ridiculous that I should let visiting him ruin an entire week or so of my life, especially now that I have a life. And most of all? No more hugs when we say goodbye. I'm done with that.

"She's MY Cousin!!"

So, my sister from OK came out to visit with her kids the same time I started work. She's been staying with us at my parent's house for a month, and this morning they left for home. The Princess is not pleased. In spite of the trouble she has putting up with her same-age cousin, and the typical toddler sharing issues, she was furious when she learned their dad was coming to take them home. She refused to say goodbye this morning, no doubt feeling that to do so would imply consent to their leaving.

It hasn't been the easiest month for any of us, but family is worth more than sleep - sometimes, and in brief doses. Lol. I think we adults are all feeling bittersweet about the parting, and some of the kids as well. For Little Bear and the Princess, it's mostly just bitter. They are going to miss their same-age cousins terribly. For the kids going home, I expect they are mostly excited to be headed back to their familiar beds and toys and house and yard. At least they did get to experience one really good snow while they were here. I'm told that Oklahoma runs more to ice. Blech.

But soon spring will be along to invigorate us all and hopefully drive away the blues for a little while. And I finally set up Skype on the Kindle so we can chat. I've been needing to do that for a while. It's amazing how much more relaxed I feel at work than I did in school. We will be moving into the upstairs apartment next week, in anticipation of my parents moving, and I am very much looking forward to having my own cooking and bedtime schedule. I know things will be much easier for us all. The only source of anxiety right now is my upcoming car inspection and my concerns about the repair costs.

We had 3 scout meetings in a row canceled due to weather, plus last month's committee meeting, but that should be over for a while as well. I'm looking forward to spring. This year is going to bring good things.  

Too Much Winter

So, last week I started my new job. It's working for a family business, not in the social work field, but I couldn't wait as long as it takes to get work in that field. I hope I made the right decision. My sister came out to visit for a while, and it's been a lot of fun having them around. We really need to be on our own, though. Our schedule does not seem to be compatible with anyone else's, and there's nothing I can do to change it, obviously. I just have to make it to the end of the school year.... That has never seemed so far away before....

Anyway, I hope that as time goes by and the Princess gets older, I'll be able to think about going back to school part time. I need some stability for a while. It's been good to come home at night and not have to worry about assignments due. Work is so much less stressful than school. I'm going to apply for low-income housing at some of the complexes in the area and see what happens. Hopefully I will get something for summer. I'm so happy to be working again.

The End!!! And a new beginning!

Today is officially my LAST day of college! For now, that is. My projects are all completed and I'm confident of my grade, and I received the email from the college telling me I can pick up my degree at the end of the month. :D :D Needless to say, I'm psyched.

I haven't found work yet, which I'm really bummed about. Hopefully it won't take much longer. I interviewed for an administrative job that I'd really like to get, but I forgot a few important things I should have said. I still have a lot of anxiety about meeting new people, and I spend so much cognitive energy trying to appear calm that I can't remember much during the meetings. Oh well. It's through a staffing agency, and they told me they are still waiting for my background clearances to come back. I hope that doesn't prevent me from starting work in time for the job.

I had to start the mandatory job searches to maintain public assistance last week, which is incredibly annoying. Some of the intake discussions have been helpful, though. Our instructor gave me some excellent pointers on how to let employers know that I have valuable life experience and was far from idle during my marriage, without just saying "I was married to a heroin addict." Nobody wants to hear that. I feel like Lisa in The Simpson's Movie, when Marge enters the hotel room and asks where Homer is, and Lisa exclaims, "He's gone! Let's quickly rebuild our lives while he's away!"

I sent my information to CYS, and was told that they hire for Social Worker Aide level 3. I only took the exams for 1 and 2. I'll have to take it again. I didn't realize I qualified for level 3 with an A.A., but it seems different agencies have different qualifications. Unfortunately, they also pay less than $12/hr to start. Benefits won't do me any good if I can't pay rent. I'm trying not to panic. My parents expect to move around the beginning of March, and I really need to have some money set aside and have my bills and budget sorted out when that happens. The job searching program drives me insane, because the people who hire through them are the people looking for cheap labor, which is why they team up with the welfare office in the first place. Any job I get through them is likely to be a failure as far as getting us off of public assistance in the future. On the other hand, it appears any job I get with my degree won't be much better, except when it comes to benefits. I'm not sure what to do. Hopefully it will just sort itself out in time as long as I keep lots of options open.

Big Changes

Well, I did get an A in Statistics. If I had it to do over again, I would rather get a B than allow a single course to so thoroughly consume my life for three months. But it's over, and so is my time at college, for now. I'm taking an online course over the winter break, and I expect to have my A.S. degree in hand by the end of January. I took the state Civil Service exam, and scored 88 in one category and 90 in the other, so I'm pretty happy. I hope that after the holidays I'll start getting calls for interviews.

Meanwhile, we traveled out to see the children's dad. It was a far better experience than I had anticipated, and some of my frustration with the distance is mitigated now that I've seen how conducive the environment of this particular facility is to family visitation. It was very clean as prisons go, the entry process was low-key and not particularly invasive, and the visits are done in a large cafeteria, with a playroom for small children and vending machines that serve all sorts of snacks and lunch-type meals. You can't take money in, but you can buy a vending card that gets loaded before entry, and the kids were able to have a relatively normal experience, all things considered. The visiting hours are long, nearly 7 hours on visiting days, and they had board games available for families to play.

We found an Orthodox church only a few miles away, and the hotel we stayed in was much nicer than I expected for the low price. On top of that, there's a fun center in the nearest major town with very reasonable prices, and the area is patchworked with state parks and outdoor activities. When the weather is warmer, we will be able to go camping overnight rather than spending money on a hotel, and that will be very helpful. It will also make the visits more of a family experience, not just focused on the prison, which is exactly what I had wanted. I'm hoping that over the next three years, we can establish a relationship with the small church there and get to know the area well enough that the children feel some sense of community connection aside from the prison visits. The long visiting hours mean that we can plan activities for the morning and then visit in the afternoon, so the Princess doesn't get too worn out, and then still make it home in time for a tolerable bedtime if we leave directly from the prison. As she gets older we'll be able to spend longer chunks of time there. Her limit right now is about two hours.

Christmas was wonderful, more so I think since the boys were able to see their dad first. Little Bear in particular is very tactile, and it seemed to me that he really needed to physically touch and see his dad to believe that he was still in existence. We planned to go away for New Year's, but I changed my mind. We all need a break from deadlines for a little bit. The boys are in aftercare now, and depending on my schedule that may soon include before care, so time at home is going to be at a premium very soon. My parents are very likely moving soon as well, and I'm not sure how that will affect us. So many things depend on so many other things. We shall see what happens over the next several weeks. Hopefully whatever happens won't be too terrible.

Deep Breath

I'm trying to stay optimistic since the semester is halfway over. I think I can still get an A even in Statistics; the last course I need for my degree is being offered over the winter break, so I pushed it off until then. I would not be able to keep up with all the homework otherwise. I feel like I barely get to talk to the kids any more.

The Princess is solidly into the terrible 3's. Why they call it the terrible 2's, I have no idea. 3's are far worse. She gets exponentially cuter, whinier, and more demanding with each passing day. All the kids are growing up so fast.

Their dad has been permanently placed, about 5 hours away. The paperwork came and went for getting the kids on his visiting list, so hopefully that will happen soon. We're all starting Hep B vaccinations since it is highly recommended. Apparently Hep B is rampant in the prison system.

Meanwhile, Cub Scouts has turned out to be a really wonderful experience, for me as well as the boys. It hadn't occurred to me that interacting with other parents might be good for me too. I've always had a lot of trouble with peer interactions, and although college has been helpful, there isn't much opportunity for true personal interaction there. Basically, college has made me capable of looking strangers in the eye if necessary, and speaking up in front of them without having a panic attack. Important, but far from enough. Last weekend we attended the annual Scout Fall Festival for our Council, which is free to new Scouts. It's expensive otherwise, so I figured we should take advantage of it being free this year. It was an absolutely fantastic experience, and I'll be more than happy to pay the cost of attending in the future now that I know what to expect. The day was cold, but beautiful, and the fall colors were at their peak. At some point about halfway through the day, I realized that I was talking and laughing with other people my own age, even MALE people my own age, without feeling awkward or out of place or self-conscious. I was feeling like a person who actually had an equal right to be there, not just an outsider who should probably keep her mouth shut lest she say something embarrassing. Something changed in me right then. I'm not sure what it was, but it was healthy. Almost like it was the last step on my path to becoming mentally an adult as well as nominally. I'll always remember it as one of the defining moments of my life. Funny how those moments tend to be so small and invisible from the outside, isn't it?

My parents don't expect to be moved for another few months, so we're hoping the new buyer will allow us to rent one of the units for a low price until the end of the school year, so the boys can finish it out in the district. One of the units has significant water damage and can't be rented for a decent amount until it's repaired. We could certainly manage that for a few months, if the buyer is willing.

I need to start my job search in earnest soon. I've put in two applications so far, but only because they were opportunities I didn't want to pass up. I need to start the real process soon. I'm dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time. I can't wait to start working; it's the searching part that I hate.